The occasion of my new book collection of old newspaper columns gives me an excuse to look at the art form's sorry current state.
I don't claim to write the funniest or wisest or sharpest columns around. I just wish more of today's working columnists tried (or were allowed) to be better than they currently are.
The newspaper column just might be America's greatest literary invention. Yet, like so many great American inventions, America seems to have largely forgotten how to do it right.
Seattle's dailies haven't had a columnist worthy of the title since the Times either allowed or persuaded professional gadfly Terry McDermott to move on a year or two back.
Back in the day, when Emmett Watson was in his prime and the likes of Byron Fish and even John Hinterberger were going strong, the P-I and Times relied on columns the way buildings rely on them--to prop up the whole superstructure of the edifice.
Even stronger stuff could be had in The Washington Teamster, wherein editor Ed Donohoe's weekly "Tilting At Windmills" corner poked light fun at politicians who supported the union's agenda and struck heavier barbs at politicians who didn't.
Now, though, the columns in the local dailies are mightily staid affairs.
Latte jokes. Slug jokes. Endless paeans to why the baby-boom generation is even more darned important to the course of western civilization than it already thinks it is. A woman who claims it's safe to walk the streets of Bellevue, as if anyone ever does. Political harrangues about why citizens are too chicken to dream bold dreams unless they go along with the latest scheme to subsidize private developers. Tirades about how Those Kids Today are either too lazy (unlike the diligent kids from The Sixties Generation) or too work-driven (unlike the value-centered kids from The Sixties Generation).
And, of course, oversimplified ideas about modern society, told in one-sentence paragraphs.
Really simple one-sentence paragraphs.
At least the sports pages still have the likes of Laura Vescey, Art Thiel, and Steve Kelley. But it's sadly telling that the papers will only permit really good columnists to do really good work if it's about a topic that doesn't really matter.
The situation's not much better in the "alternative" press.
My ex-stomping ground, The Stranger, was once full of strong, personal voices, from Anna Woolverton to "Spikey's Coffee Corner;" but now apparently prefers formula concepts like restaurant briefs and a police blotter.
Seattle Weekly's "columns" are essentially beat-reporting corners, not classic columnar-style commentaries.
Why this state of affairs? As print media become ever more corporate and bureaucratic, it's harder for idiosyncratic voices to please the powers-that-be. You've gotta be either predictably "analytical" (bland) or predictably "outrageous" (dumb).
Yet it's just these individualists who add the spark of personality to a paper, who make it a must-read even on slow news days.
There are still a few great ones churning out verbiage across the country. The feisty Texan Molly Ivins is a national treasure. The P-I's new syndicated contributor Sean Gonsalves has the rare audacity to criticize not just politicians but the economic interest groups who own them. And Larry King's weekly "King's Things" in USA Today show he's as skilled at short-form writing as he is at long-form talking. On the conservative side, at least George Will still tries to rationally argue his points, without succumbing to Limbaughesque bully tactics.
These, and a few others, know that a great column should have its own point of view, not merely rehash what all those other media commentators are doing. (A good case of the latter came back in April, when most everybody in the papers and on the air made the same three or four, equally misinformed and inane, arguments about violent suburban teens.)
It should tell a story, or several stories. It should provide insights into the day-to-day flow of events that straight reporting or dry analysis just can't.
And it should make its points with personality but also with efficiency, and then stop.
IN OTHER NEWS: A short while back, I suggested the violent atmosphere that led to the Woodstock '99 rapes might have had something to do with the aesthetic of amoral aggression propagated by the likes of Limp Bizkit. Similar allegations have now been separately made, in a libelous email supposedly from a certain ex-Seattleite rock star (found by Metascene).
TOMORROW: A look at some of the city's remaining (for now) old buildings.
PITCH IN: This time, I'm looking for cultural artifacts today's young adults never knew (i.e., dial phones, non-inline skates, and three-network TV). Make your nominations at our MISC. Talk discussion boards.
PASSAGE (from Lindsay Marshall): " If the word 'moving' appears on the cover and the book is not about transport then avoid it like the plague."
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