God As I Understand Him Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey 12/10/89 GOD IS: Lonely Wet and Wild Sorry to have made mosquitos, but too proud to say so Not one to tell good cholesterol from bad cholesterol Uncomfortable with being called "he" until more human languages have a personal neuter pronoun About to lose the mineral deposits on Pluto in a bet A much better dancer than you might think Confused by all the furor over nude beaches, since "he" can always see everything anyway About to perfect a truly superlative cheesecake recipe Still buying vinyl records Intense, really intense, but only when necessary Not very excited about the new millenium Capable of finishing a Tootsie Pop without biting Capable of sex, but usually occupied with greater tasks Showing Einstein's scientific errors to him, only to get counter-arguments back Still unwilling to take sides in Northern Ireland Wondering how they get the creme filling in a Ho-Ho Still hoping Garbo will make another picture Bored Unwilling to tell the total value of pi, even to friends Trying to recall a way to have made the Earth without putting any uranium in it Disappointed in what the Beatles did after "Revolver" Fully aware of the contradictions in most religions, but that's just how these things go A "Honeymooners" fan, especially of the adoption episode Refereeing a wrestling match between Zeus and Apollo Able to leap in seconds across the Gemini constellation (which, from beneath, looks more like THREE people) Just THIS tall in "his" most compressed form Available in all styles and colors Collecting every Basie record ever made Commissioning a Shakespeare play about the Marcoses The last romantic A true night person Still mourning the destruction of the library of Alexandria Not at all responsible for George Michael Only slightly responsible for Zsa Zsa Gabor As vast and beautiful as America itself Trying to show humans the vital medicines that can be made from horse pancreatic fluid In stereo where available Free to be you and me Unconstrained by the restrictions of time, space, or jobs Done for now with the empty thrill of creating life Real gone Dismayed at Barbara Cartland's errors on human nature Aware of ten women who could have been pretty good U.S. presidents, in the 19th century alone So tedious when talking about the structure of flaxseed Marrying Confucius to a late Caracas hotel barmaid Fully cognizant of your prayers for world peace, but asking your patience until the right configuration of societies can be reached Not ready for prime time Very easy to shop for Looking very relaxed Terminally eternal Able to see the past, present and future simultaneously, hence forbidden membership on the Stock Exchange Largely non-malignant Obsequious to Aphrodite Fast, compact and virtually noiseless Totally naked without a dinner jacket Not at all sorry about crabgrass; it serves a vital function in nature, if humans could only learn to appreciate it Fabulously freaky A Jet all the way Gnarly Just a bit curious about how an evil thought might feel About to live in the form of a west African ranch worker An untranslatable pun Quality, performance and dependability at a low price On time, and under budget Fairly sure "he" exists, but not too sure about you Simply stunning in pink chiffon Definitely NOT Elvis, and certainly not Eric Clapton Faster and safer than a microwave Planning to reincarnate Cantinflas in Hungary Aware of many other planets with stupid TV, too Resistant to heat, rain, oil, salt water, most chemicals Ready to take your order on our toll-free lines 24 hours Just impossible to talk to about politics or religion User-definable Ready to love you the way you want to be loved The former baritone in one of the fake Ink Spots groups Designed for the modern business user Colossal, stupendous, and even mediocre Wondering just how to create a truly unisex mammal Out of context Never undersold Pure chewing satisfaction An effective decay-preventing dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care Realizing the final result of centuries of intense genetic research: A toilet-trained dog Disgusted with all the communications satellites obstructing "his" view of the South Pacific islands Mass rad In love with Rita Hayworth and always will be Quiet, almost too quiet Ready to strike at a moment's notice In touch with "his" feelings Fresh, hot and GOOD Here today, tomorrow, next week Tough without needing to prove it Pro-social, with an original sound and look An everyday part of life like sex, weather, and stale bread A cheery, colorful addition to every home Your gold, your precious silver, your power tools On the line with us now from our Washington studio Really very

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