Naked Women, What They Do Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey 3/11/93 THINGS NAKED WOMEN ARE SHOWN DOING Lying around on beds Lying around on beaches Lying around on desert sand Lying around on patio furniture Lying around on rubber rafts Lying around in inner tubes in water Sitting on rocks beneath waterfalls Swimming Diving Jet-skiing Sitting in hot tubs and jacuzzis Applying tanning products Standing near wind machines Standing near rain machines Leaning against brick walls Leaning against old jukeboxes Lighting candles Standing, sitting and lying down in blinding white light Running across open fields Climbing mountains Cross-country skiing Snowmobiling Walking through the woods Lounging in haystacks in old barns Holding up birds, cats, and small dogs Riding horses Riding mechanical bulls Riding in the back seats of limos Straddling sawhorses Throwing bucketfuls of water at other naked women Tossing wet spaghetti at other naked women Embracing fully-dressed men Fucking men (or pretending to) Fucking women (or pretending to) Touching themselves Using vibrators Giving and receiving massages Groping mannakins and statues Standing in Paris parks painted as statues Wrestling with other naked women Performing light aerobic workouts Weight training Riding exercise bikes Playing volleyball Climbing rocks Ice skating Showering Bathing Trying on clothes Eating fresh fruit Drinking champagne Aping the poses of famous nude paintings and statues Staring haughtily/bored/blankedly at the camera Saying unprofound things Stripping on stage Table dancing Modern dancing (rock, R&B, disco, country) Ballet dancing Ethnic ritual dancing Performing rhythmic gymnastics Dancing, standing, and chanting during performance art pieces Pretending to play guitar Pretending to play flute Pretending to play piano Pretending to play violin Flying small airplanes Hang gliding Riding on the backs of motorcycles Sitting on parked motorcycles Sitting in the cabs of bulldozers and backhoes Standing on rising forklifts Washing cars Lying on top of cars Fixing cars Playing pool Running away from would-be molesters and jewel theives Riding in powerboats Sailboarding Surfing Swimming with dolphins Riding on the backs of killer whales Bicycling Writing letters Typing Posing for paintings Painting walls Painting pictures Painting themselves Wandering through gothic mansions Meditating Performing hatha yoga stretches Reading newspapers Pumping gasoline Standing on step ladders and lifeguard towers Rollerskating Posing inside kinetic sculptures Lying in concrete ditches Leaning against cyclone fences Picking flowers THINGS I'D LIKE TO SEE NAKED WOMEN DOING Operating computer spreadsheet programs Cooking Kneading bread dough Eating cheeseburgers Presiding over corporate board meetings Performing standup comedy Squeezing oranges Drinking Ultra Slim-Fast Drinking beer Really playing musical instruments, especially tuba Singing the National Anthem Hauling furniture Printing Performing light assembly work Waiting in line at theaters Dining in fine restaurants Attending church Preaching Shopping Studying in the public library Directing and photographing movies Ballroom dancing Building houses Discussing deep philosophical issues Arguing politics in coffeehouses Running the government THINGS NAKED WOMEN SHOULDN'T DO Box Drive cars (at least wear shoes; you could break your foot making a sudden stop) Work near hazardous chemicals Work in sawmills Weld Cut glass (at least wear safety goggles) Armed combat Play ice hockey Play tackle football Stay outside very long in cold weather Put out house fires

2001 COLUMNS 2000 COLUMNS 1999 COLUMNS 1999 COLUMNS 1998 COLUMNS 1997 COLUMNS 1996 COLUMNS 1995 COLUMNS 1986-94 COLUMNS ESSAYS FICTION X-WORDS 'THE BIG BOOK OF MISC.' THE BOOK 'LOSER' MISCmedia, THE MAGAZINE FUTURE PROJECTS CYBER STUFF THINGS I LIKE 'MISC. TALK' DISCUSSION FORUM CLARK'S CULTURE CORRAL: BOOKS, MUSIC, MOVIES REVIEWED AND SOLD Books Popular Music Classical Music Video (Support MISC. Media; make your Amazon.com purchases thru this link.)